Wednesday, 4 June 2014

rewriting the rules

I have read the book "Rewriting the rules. An integrative guide to love, sex and relationships" by Meg Barker. I really recommend it and if you read it, I would like to know your thoughts about it. The book works out what "the norms" are for our sexual life, our romantic life and friendships. We know, that there is the ideal body, relationship, sex life, that we try to fullfill and - fail. If we fail lots, we are considered abnormal or mentally ill. If we fail a little bit, we might think, we have got some neurosis, but we hopefully get away with it. Now, BDSM is still on the official list of psychological problems. Can you believe it??? Something so wonderful, so brave, so eye-opening, so blissfull, so feeling-life and love!
God, i could "cure" myself. I have been there. I had shut down all contact to BDSM and become normal. Normal sex, normal monogamous relationship. Yes, I thought about "it" every day, but I put "it" aside like a bad dream. I could have done that all my life. No problem. But why would I shut down life?
The truth is that there exists only madness. In all variations. And one type of madness is chosen to be the "healthy".
Ok, we know all that. But what was new for me in the book was how it makes lists from normal to abnormal with all gradations in between. Let's take the ideal model body, the nice body, the okish one, the ugly one and the horrible one. Now, I would be turned down by a model agency. And yet, people tell me everyday: "I like your strong body. I don't like skinny girls." I don't match the ideal body and I don't want to loose weight- and I am really honest here. I could have a few more muscles to be closer to my ideal. But ideal means, letting my body be itself. 
Ok, once we let go of the normative, then we have to be careful not to follow new normatives of the underground cultures. It's not a competition like: the one who can take most pain wins. Or the more extreme, the better person I am. No, this is about finding out what you want, what you are. Relax and look at your choices. I can read body language and..can I read minds? Mostly.
But, you might say, isn't this about the things I, Sophie, want to do. What I want is to use you, humilate you, hurt you. I get turned on, if you suffer. If kissing my feet is boring for you, then my needs are not met and I don't want you to do that. It takes two people to get there, to create something more than your little self, to connect to the animals in us, the godess in me and the follower in you and leave that narrow-minded culture of norms behind.

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